Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
