She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
