wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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