This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
