I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
