So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
