Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
