are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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