this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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