That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
NoShamevember. You game?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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