She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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