they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
