i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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