omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
