Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My hand turned me down
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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