Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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