I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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