Michael Bay diarrhea
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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