Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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