i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
