I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
