You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
