Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she peed on how many people?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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