I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
