Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You made out with two different species that night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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