I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
be right there i have to get my cape
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