I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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