I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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