Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
