May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
