i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
