i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
