once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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