Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
