Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
