meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
