those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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