The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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