you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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