Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
