3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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