Cold hands, warm shart.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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