I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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