My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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