He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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