Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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