sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
