By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
