dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
