I'm really into asian looking animals
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
