Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
